Day 4

I keep thinking about that song from Bloc Party, “Day Four“.  Not quite sure why it seemed to be in my head all day long, but i guess the earnestness of the singer’s words resonated a little to much.

I feel like i’m relearning my life again, with much trepidation that i’ll still end up where i was before. Didn’t i tell you before i was pessimistic? Oh yeah right.  If you’re looking for a happier post, please move on.

But anyway, i promised myself that this year, as much as it’s hard to write down my thoughts, especially the not-so-happy ones, i’ll still write it down anyway (maybe as some masochistic way of  cheap-ass “rehab”–yes, i’m too broke to go to rehab, and besides, i don’t live in a first world country).

Today i talked to a friend of mine on how to deal with my fears. While suggesting that a good talk would do some good, we eventually agreed that talking would only lead to more wayward discussion and from previous “discussions” i’ve had with the parties involved, i highly doubt that they would take me seriously. Try as I might before to talk to them before about stuff I was worried about, i usually got laughed off (i.e.,  make joke answers) or worse, told  “i have NO idea what you’re talking about.”   Hmmm, not quite the receptive group i was hoping for, not unless we were talking about what they wanted to talk about (usually about other people or their own problems).

So therein lies the dilemma. Shut up, and let people think you’re a snotty closed off bitch, or talk to them about this and still get ridiculed at. Small consolation to all this is a person who actually took the time to get to know me individually, apart from all the hulabaloo of everything. It’s refreshing and quite honestly, really very decent of this person to do so. Honestly, thank you. You have made me feel not only part of the group every time we are all together, but also made me feel like you value me as an individual, something that i rarely feel these days. It feels really nice to be in the company of someone who actually in genuinely interested in who you are and what your interests are, as opposed to just being “sabit“.

Anyway.  Back to the song… I’ve always loved this song, even  though it’s always been a sad one. Everyday is a mental and physical preparation that i won’t crack, i won’t let them make me feel bad, i won’t let the memories kill me and my relationship.

I feel like this is my life every day. I can only hope that one day i’ll wake up and not feel this way anymore.


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