Scattered thoughts, Girls, and searching for answers

A lot of times i feel like Marnie in so many situations, trapped in a claustraphobic place with nowhere to go to. It’s strange to be able to relate to 20-something year old fictional characters these days, but I do. Girls HBO, while about 4 women a decade younger than I am, relate to a lot of women in so many levels. For someone like me, it’s falling into the trap of happy ever afters.

I guess one way of putting it is i’m in the middle of a catharsis. Something drastic changes in your life and one way of dealing with it is to have a sudden change, or shift in your routine or emotional perspective. I’m not trying to be deep or anything (far from it) but honestly, i am just devoid of any emotion right now. Whatever it is that made me want to share myself with people died two weeks back and i’m honestly trying to find myself back to it.

How do you bring back something that was callously broken with words and actions that’s embedded itself into your brain you end up having nightmares from it? Yes, i wake up in the middle of my sleep crying, remembering. It’s amazing i can sleep at all. To act as if nothing happened is to delay the inevitable fallout, rather than heal what is already broken.

A part of me is thinking, is it already broken? Does it really need fixing?

I think this note pretty much says it all. I’m hoping to find that part of me that’s lost in this chaos of emotion. I am grateful for those who have listened, cried and gave me strength. That crossroad i was talking about a few days back? It’s still there and i’m procrastinating with my choice. I hope I choose well, for both my sanity and well-being.

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