Dear Diary

Dear Diary, Lesley Arfin’s tell-all “diary vs. the present time” accounts made me think about my old journals, and i have to say, i admire this woman’s bravery to putting it all out there. While most of us would probably cringe at the thought of reading, let alone publishing past diary entries, Leslie recounts, reminisces and compares her past life with her existing one — giving us a voyeuristic look into her persona. Then again, in the age of technology, nothing seems sacred anymore.  Blog sites, forums and social networks are posting up secrets, plastering pictures and pretty much fulfilling our voyeuristic needs every minute of the day.

Still, the idea of comparing your old diary entries to your current day perspective is appealing, especially in such a fast-paced world such as ours. One good thing about having your “journal” online is that you can go back to those pages, read them and do just that. So i did, well, for a few hours at least.

I discovered pictures of myself too bizaare to look at (hahaha), old emails equivalent of old school love letters (sigh), even quotes i deemed “striking and life-changing” — all the things a girl my age then would think to be the be-all and end-all of everything. What the hell was i thinking?!

So why am i doing this? Aside from the obvious “I-want-to-know-if-i-ever-did-learn-anything” reason, i wanted to see if the changes are drastic enough to make significant marks in my so-called life. The cringe-inducing pictures of my bad hair days (ugh!), poorly thought out entries, drunken “messages” i left to myself while drunk-writing (yes, apparently i did some of that before…and i still do) and all the amusing anecdotes i managed to write down, no matter how mundane it may be.

Reading all those entries made me smile as i thought of the good times, wonder why the bad times even happened and well, pretty much question what i learned then, and now.  In my younger entries i saw my complete trust, something of which i too easily squandered.  Yegad, the age thing really makes one jaded. The whole lethargic and jaded thing isn’t so bad though. That cynicism i managed to acquire over the years gave me some comfort in taking a second look into things before accepting them as truth. I keep wondering where that bubbly optimistic girl in me went, though. It’s amazing how a few years and some pretty intense experiences can change the way you see the world.

My trip down memory lane went through a trippy technological way, and as embarrassing as it may be to read some really CHEESY-ass lines i’ve written way back, it brought a smile all the same to read them again.

The weird thing is, i’d probably be doing this again in a few years’ time (man, it would be bizaare to read THIS in the future!) —but no matter. I’m sure i will have a better idea of why i’m doing this in the first place.

Maybe then i’ll have better answers to my questions.

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